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If there’s one thing I’ve been thankful about this year, it’s the fact that the Global Warming complaints have pretty much fallen silent.

Sure, there’s still the occasional crackpot that comes off with a quip in the media, but the large majority of those people who were out there with signs reading things like “Where Will The Penguins Live” and idiots in bear suits with signs that say things like “Lost Home To Global Warming” have pretty much gone out of view.

Maybe it’s because of all the snow that fell on them this year? I am pretty certain I heard that Washington, D.C. had the most snow this season that it has had for the past century. That’s pretty impressive, considering all of the Global Warming taking place.

A lot of people might ask who the hell I am and why I think I even have a right to chime in on this issue. Well, the truth be told I’m a relative nobody who each and every year has to shovel shit tons of snow out of my driveway and off my sidewalk. And I have to drive through it. And I have to deal with frigid temperatures. It gets so cold here that I can drive my truck onto a lake, with no fear of falling in. Not even kidding.

So, I feel as though I have a lot of right to talk about Global Warming. Why? Because I live in the frickin’ Ice Age, that’s why.

The truth is, if Global Warming happens, it happens. I highly doubt the recycling I do each week is stopping the world from getting any hotter or colder. I doubt that when I walk instead of driving that Mother Nature is getting a chance to heal itself.

Not to mention that I don’t even believe I’m making that much of an impact. Globally, yes, mankind is bringing bouts of havoc. But, what does one cheeseburger wrapper really mean? Not to mention I worked at a landfill for a number of years and the sheer number of stuff that blows OUT of it and back into nature on a windy day far outweighs all of the stuff I throw into the recycling bin. Read More »

Everyone in this world is entitled to a “golden birthday,” which is this awesome day when you basically get whatever it is you want in this world. Some people are lucky and have their golden on their 16th or the 18th or, in case of my buddy Robert, the 30th and they can think of great things they want. Me? Well, I was five. I wanted a cake in the shape of a bear and a He-Man action figure. I’m proud to say I received both.

But then things weren’t so great on this golden year for me. A week after my birthday, I come biddy-bopping into the house along with my brother, Jeff, and my older sister, Angel. There, we were confronted by the worst news in history.

“We’ve got something to tell you,” says my dad. He’s standing in the living room with my mom.

For me, this is good news. Why gather us all in one place unless it was something amazing? Perhaps we were getting running water? Was dad adding another room to the house so the kids wouldn’t have to all share the same living space? Were we having pizza for dinner?

“Your mother is pregnant,” he says.

Long pause. While my brother and my sister look a little stunned (ages 12 and 9, respectively, at the time) and my mom and dad share a similar expression, I’m just confused. Come on, I’m five. I wasn’t flinging out words larger than “Skeletor” and “Optimus Prime” yet. The Dukes of Hazard and Knight Rider were the greatest things to ever happen at this point. Pregnant wasn’t even in my vocabulary.

So what is this? A disease? Is she going to be the President of the He-Man Fan Club? Is she pregnant with emotion? With pumpkin seeds? What the fuck is going on, people?

“I’m having a baby,” my mom says, no doubt seeing my utter confusion.

I feel suddenly dizzy. A baby? But… but… but… I’m the fucking baby! What the hell! I’m daddy’s favorite! I’m mommy’s favorite! I’m the cute one! Everyone loves me! And now there’s going to be a baby? What the fuck!

I nearly pass out as all the blood drains from my face. My status as the baby — effectively the one who can get away with anything — is going to go away. Read More »

Ahh, poker. You can’t escape it. Every sports network in the world has jumped on the bandwagon, showing hour after mind-numbing hour of guys playing cards. But not in this case.

VIDEO FOOTAGE HERE

Yes, seems we have a bit of action here. A PokerStars tournament in Germany was recently held up by six armed robbers who managed to waltz in and abscond with about a million Euros. Talk about a Texas Hold’Up – err, Hold’em. Apparently, security at the tourney was French-thin, but luckily, the television cameras were rolling, so we can watch people scatter at the site of armed thugs. No, they don’t show the robbers. And yes, I would have high-tailed it out of there as well, so I’m not judging their “bravery”.

But it was nice to see those tubby poker guys getting some actual exercise on a sports network…

You can almost see my house in this shot

All the glory, fame, fortune and poon that went with the Winter Olympics is over. Congratulations Canada on hosting a relatively safe and smooth running event (we just won’t mention the luge). Canada managed to pull off the games with not too much attention drawn to incompetence, budget overspends and terrorist threats. That all changes now that the attention moves to London. Host city of the 2012 Summer Olympic Games.

This will be a period of time that I suggest you all fervently avoid London at all costs. Not only is it going to be a mismanagement disaster on a scale never before seen, it’s probably going to have some horrific mishap (or two) that will show just how inept the emergency services here are. Read More »

So I turned 30 today. Yup. I’m not out partying or drinking or getting laid. Instead, I’m sitting here at my laptop computer with a single bulb burning in a nearby lamp just so I can write to you, the faithful readers.

Don’t pity me. I ask for none, nor do I want it. Besides, I’m going to go out and party and drink and, yes, get laid later. I just like to time my entrance with a bit of style and flair. While I do enjoy the race, I also don’t mind having a short night. My money looks a bit more impressive when shelled out over the course of four hours as opposed to six or more. The ladies, it seems, appreciate that.

I was chatting it up with some friends of mine over at a local law office. No, I wasn’t there because I needed an attorney, in case you were wondering. When one of them asked me what I was doing tonight I said it was my birthday.

“Let me guess,” said one of the attorneys. “You’re 37.”

“Uh, no,” I say. “I’m 30.”

It was like I had just brought out the shock and awe strategy. They all stood in silence for a few moments before one of the attorney’s wives, a Russian bride, rubbed her hand on my cheek.

“He’s just a baby,” she said in her the-Cold-War-is-over-but-we’ll-still-get-you accent.

I really could only smile. Sure, these professionals are in their 50s and 60s. They’re successful. They’re intelligent.

And they’re amazed that at 30 years old I’ve done as well as I have. I’m a professional writer who doesn’t toil away at some local newspaper. I don’t have to be represented by a quickly-dwindling union presence to make money. Instead, I go out and I sell my capabilities.

Sometimes I do it for cheap if I really like the person I’m working with or the concept. Other times I make lots and lots of money doing what I do.

Just a mere 12 years ago, I hated writing. I pushed away from it in college and despised it in high school. It was horrific and ancient.

Just over a decade later, it’s the major money making business in my life. Sure, I shoot pics on the side, or do some design work, but being a writer is my bread, butter and bacon. Read More »

I saw this on Pardon the Interruption, and I think they missed the point entirely…

During a recent NCCA women’s basketball game, Baylor babe Brittney Griner was working under the hoop, waiting for a rebound. Texas Tech’s Jordan Barncastle grabbed her by the arm, and swung her out and under the hoop like a square dance. Griner, apparently, didn’t appreciate the do-ci-do, and ‘bowed to her pardner in the form of a vicious-looking right cross. Barncastle didn’t see the punch coming, and took it square in the button. Seriously, I haven’t seen a gal take a punch like that since Rihanna. (What? Too soon?)

Baylor won the game, but lost the war, as team dunkmaster Griner has been suspended for two games (one game from the NCAA and one from her school), including Baylor’s last game of the season against Texas, as well as the team’s first game of the Big 12 tourney. Baylor is #14 right now, and Griner’s absence could cost the team a shot at a successful March run.

Barncastle, meanwhile, suffered a broken nose, and according to her father, may need surgery to repair the damage. And while I applaud Barncastle for her ability to take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’ (she took the technical free throws, and was then seen sitting on the bench with a tissue shoved up her nose to stop the bleeding, but did not return to the game), the fact remains that, if this had happened in a men’s game, the dude taking the punch would be a crumpled heap on the court.

The punch? Looked vicious as hell. But we are not talking MMA here – that blow wouldn’t have dropped Arturo Gatti – and he’s been dead for a few months. Should she have been suspended? Absolutely. Is this better or worse than if it had happened in a men’s game? From an optics standpoint, no. But in the cold light of day, the fact remains – girls simply can’t punch worth a damn.

With the exception of Christian “Cyborg” Santos, of course. That chick’ll straight-up kill you. Hey, that gets me thinking. Strikeforce, set this one up for me: MARCH BADNESS. Griner vs Cyborg, and Barncastle vs Gina Carano. It’ll sell better than Tyson v Hollyfield III.

In honor of the great St. Patty’s Day that right around the corner (yes, I’ve plenty of Irish in these veins and do bring a whole new meaning to getting my Irish up, you know…), I’ve decided to bust out an ol’ recipe that has been putting a smile on my face for the past decade.

This recipe, as you’ll find out, doesn’t take a lot of knowledge in the kitchen. The key is just keeping an eye on everything while it’s on the stove. Don’t just put it out on the burner and then walk away. You’re going to want to pay attention and keep it from burning. A real guy—one whose worth any salt at least—focuses in the kitchen. I can’t tell you how often I’ve gotten something a little extra special from my lady friends just because I wowed them with a recipe in the kitchen.

This one here is a favorite of mine, and one that just might get you some action on the day of Saint Patrick himself. Just play your cards right and the girls will be flocking over to see what you’re offering. You’ll, hopefully, know what to do from that point on.

But, almost as importantly, it’s going to be a dish that impresses your guy friends and has them talking about it and wishing they knew how to make it.

The recipe, my friends, is for a gorgeous creation known simply as Milk Stout Gelato. Read More »

Yes, I’ll admit that I do believe in global warming and that the earth is too overpopulated and we need to do something about it. Something needs to be done on a large scale. For example, sterilising all the morons in the world so that they can’t produce even stupider offspring. I’m sure there’s a law against sleeping with family members right?

But I digress….

We do need to do something to combat global disintegration and produce products that have less of an environmental impact. The changes should be big. The changes should be earth shattering. The changes should make us wake up and tell us to do something about it. The changes should not involve a massive marketing campaign to tell us of a new ecologically sound watch. Yes folks, I said ecologically sound watch.

From the days gone by of sun dials, advancements to hour glasses, technological jumps to Casio calculator watches and finally to perpetual motion clocks we have strived to be able to tell the time through accurately and efficienctly. Now it seems that we have to have ecologically sound in that mix too. Ladies (why are you reading this site?????) and Gentlemen, I give you the Citizen Eco-Drive. A watch designed to save the planet by absorbing the light around itself.

There must have been some hard core drugs involved when they came up with this idea. The watch simply absorbs light (sun light – so it’s not going to work too well in the UK) and powers up it’s own solar battery. Did they even consider how much carbon dioxide they wasted in talking about this? Or that the sun (contrary to popular belief) does not shine out of their backsides?

I really have to laugh at a watch company that uses large scale factories chruning out metals and batteries (yes, they may be solar powered but they are still batteries and contain toxins to the planet) to produce an Eco Friendly Watch. Not only is the product laughable but they’ve taken the initiative to have large posters all across town to promote the watch range. Last time I checked, it takes paper on a mass scale to produce these posters and all of the inks used in printing too?

I’m no eco-warrior myself but lets get real about this people. If you want a truly eco-watch, find a flat stone and a stick. Find north and mark out the 12 hours of the day. Don’t waste everyone’s time and try to make love to tree-hugging hippies by producing a watch that is “eco-friendly” in name only.